Oh Those Wacky Puritans

From Decennium Luctuosum, by Cotton Mather (yes, that Cotton Mather).  Published 1699, Boston, New-England.  (Subtitled "An History of Remarkable Occurrences, In the Long War, Which New-England hath had with the Indian Salvages, From the Year, 1688.  To the Year, 1698. Faithfully Compoſed and Improved."^*).  Article VII, Relation IV, page 57:

"Reader, A Modern Traveller aſſures us, that at the Villa Ludoviſia, not far from Rome, there is to be ſeen the Body of a Petrified Man ; and that he himſelf ſaw, by a piece of the mans Leg, Broken for Satisfaction, both the Bone, and the Stone Cruſted over it.  All that I will ſay, is, That if thou canſt Read theſe paſſages without Relenting Bowels, thou thy ſelf art as really Petrified, as the man at Villa Ludoviſia.

You'd think they could have been nice enough to stick the warning about soiling your pants at the start of the chapter, rather than the end.

* Yes, it really does say "salvages".